Thursday, October 2, 2008

Our Beautiful Angel

June 16, 2008

June 16 has always been a very special day to me, not only is it my birthday, but a birthday for a lot of my family members. It has always been a day of celebration, joy and happiness. In 2008, June 16 became a day of mourning, the most horrific day of my life.

After carrying my daughter Julia for 37 weeks, my family and I were planning a new beginning in our lives. I had just finished decorating the corner of our bedroom where her crib was, imagining that there would be a beautiful bundle of joy sleeping there in just a matter of a few weeks, if not sooner. The birth of my daughter was something I had waited for my whole life, I dreamed about her. I was feeling as though a life long dream of mine was finally going to come true and that we were blessed.

Julia passed away on June 16, 2008, the day before she was born.

When she was born, I felt so comforted being able to hold her, to look at her, to talk to her. I was finally able to be her Mommy, to embrace her, to kiss her. It didn't matter that she would never take a breath or smile at me. I longed for this baby my whole life and I finally had her. She was so beautiful and precious. I love her with all of my heart, more than I have ever loved anyone in my whole life, even more than I love myself.

Ever since that day, I have had to learn to live my life without her. Everywhere I go, everything I do is a reminder that my child is not with me. It has gotten easier, but she will always be in my heart. I will always wonder what she would have been like.
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3 comments:

AlexandrasMom said...

Julia is just beautiful. I wish you were still able to hold her in your arms.

October 10, 2008 at 2:26 PM
Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I was looking for an old friend of mine online and it brought me to this page. I also lost a baby boy a couple of days before his birth on March 9th, 1983. His name is Paul Raymond. I have since been blessed with 2 other sons. I understand how difficult this loss has been for you both. God Bless. What a beautiful little angel your baby is!

August 7, 2009 at 3:49 PM
Heather Mohr said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog to offer support in my time of grief.
Your Julia is absolutely beautiful - I'm so sorry you lost her.
I know exactly what you mean when you say that you were still so happy to be able to be her Mommy, in spite of everything. I felt the exact same way. I really didn't cry much the night Madelyn was born, but I was too in awe of her at the time for the sadness to truly take over. It was the next day, when we were leaving without her, that things began to look bleak.

September 10, 2009 at 8:22 AM

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Thank you!

I would like to take a moment to thank all of our friends and family who have stuck by me and Chris through this terrible tragedy. No matter how we have chosen to deal with this , there have been some wonderful people in our lives that have stuck by us no matter what. To those people, we are eternally grateful and feel so lucky to have you in our lives.
I know that there have been a lot of people who have not agreed with the many difficult decisions we have had to make surrounding Julia's passing, or have been angry that they were not included in our grieving process. I can only say that we are truly sorry if we have hurt you in any way. I can only hope that you will eventually understand that we have been through the most difficult nightmare of our lives and have had to focus a lot of energy on trying to just be OK. We made the personal decisions that we made in order to get through it as quickly and as easily as we possibly could. I hope that one day you can understand our position and let go of your anger because you love us and because we love you back.
Amie

Song for Julia

Immortality

Celine Dion and The Bee Gees


My Wish List

~I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back.
~I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you as well.
~If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
~I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you more than ever.
~I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
~I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a really big hug.
~I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.
~I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that she is dead.
~I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.
~I wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
~I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. ~Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
~I wish you could understand when I say, "I'm doing okay," that I don't feel okay and that I struggle daily.
~I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
~I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
~I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.